This Book is Dedicated to My Daughter....

Title: The Battle to Save My Daughters SOUL

This book is dedicated to my beautiful daughter Andreayna Marte & To all the young womyn in the Fuerza/Power program who taught me how not to loose hope and reflected back to me an inner strength and power that you can not learn or read about anywhere!

Dear Eayna,

You are 14 yrs old now and no matter how much I prepared myself, no matter how ready I thought I was, there was never a chance on this earth that I would have been prepared for this year or the years that lay ahead for me and you.

I have dedicated my life’s work to creating a space for young womyn to create possibilities for them selves, to heal, to empower and transform the way they think, the critically think about the information they learn and create choices and alternatives to the world they live in.

Its been seven years since I made that agreement with myself and no body more than you and your brother have felt the affects of my lifes work. For the past seven years, I have broken down, broken through, broken down, broken through again and again and again…I have been the best mom and the worst mom, I have been here and there and no where, I have been happy and depressed, angry and in rage. I have broken promises and or never made any because I couldn’t keep them. I have taken days off to see your Christmas shows and take care of you after school and then
there where times you didn’t see me at all. (written 4 years ago)

Now you are 17, and I thought the worst was behind us but at 14 it had just begun. Espe told me one day by the river that this journey of motherhood with you was not about you at all, but about me. As I cried with her on Riverside for the millionth time about wanting to protect you from the world, she told me I had just started a long battle to save your soul. Hence, the name of the book.

Well she was right, for the past 4 years I have battled you, the world & the contradictions I live of having you at such a young age of 15 and raising myself and you, two young women in such a violent world . However, at the end of the journey it was not you that was saved it was me!

That battle I was waging was not about you at all, as i fought with you I fought myself , it was like looking in the mirror at myself, my mistakes, my pain, my regrets, my past. In raising you I got the opporuntity to raise myself again.

Thankyou for this opporunity to be your mom, for trusting me as your mother, for your unconditional love, for not judging me and for standing with me through this journey of self love. We both have transformed into beautiful women!

In bold Rebirth

Your Mom, DEE


Me and My Daughter

Me and My Daughter

A Battle to Save My Daughter Soul...& Find My Spirit in the Process!

Its a story about me, motherhood, the women in my life, child sexual abuse, adoption, bieng a lesbian, domestic violence and prostitution. Its about how I learned to be mother, how our moms choices shape who we are as lovers, in relationships and as parents. Its a Latinas story of two cultures as she raises her daughter and finds herself. Its a story of healing, freedom , self love and sisterhood.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Dedicated to my dad on Fathers Day! Loosing my DAD!

So many people of color dont know who their dad is? There are so many things we want to say, so many questions we want to ask. So many of us are single mothers, so many of us are fatherless children, becuase we never knew them, becuase we lost them to death or just becuase. What is your story?

Here is a poem to my dad on Fathers Day!

Loosing my dad
The night I lost my dad I cried
I cried for him, for me, for me mom, my children
I cried for what he represented
I cried out of guilt , shame evenI cried out of anger
I even cried out of happiness

Losing my dad meant so many things for me
It meant a new life, transformation
I had to grow up, step uptake his place in my family
It meant that I had failed to be a daughter , the best I could be , the one he wanted me to be
It meant that I had failed to love myself, him, my family
It meant
I was selfish never had quite enough time to say the things I wanted to sayto spend enough time with him
It meant a part of me had died with him
It meant I had to make decisions
It meant , it meant, it meant ..........

I was so busy giving his death meaning that I forgot
I forgot to remember
To remember all the wonderful things we did together
Everything I had learned from him
I forgot what he looked like How he loved me very much
I forgot all he stood for
I forgot how I was his little girl
I forgot how much I loved him and how much I was going to miss him
I forgot , I forgot , I forgot.......

SO I continued life just the way it was as if nothing had happened
as if he was on a long vacation and one day would come home
I got married
celebrated Christmas, New Years
celebrated birthdays I continued to raise my children , support my mother
I continued to live as if .....

Until one day......I remembered he was never coming back
and I cried , I cried for forgetting,
I cried for continuing SO I gave reverence, and lit a candle, took out his pictures and created an altar
I honored him and all the years on this earth
I remembered
I remembered my dad who had passed away from one day to the next
Without a warning
Just like thatI remembered I had so much to tell him, I was still growing up and he was going to miss it
I had so many plans , i wanted to take him so many places ,
I remembered how much my children and mom would miss him ,
how he would miss them growing up too.
I remembered and I missed him
For the first time I missed him and I cried
I cried for the emptiness in my heart for the void for the could've, would've, should've
I cried for his departure ,
I cried for my loss
I cried with my children,
I cried with my mom, we cried as a family six months later
and I cry we cry and we remember and we forget and we continue and everyday is a new day to do it all over again and it is okay for I am grieving the loss of my dad
and I grieve in celebration of my life
I grieve by being in action and remembering
I grieve by continuing to live my life
and I grieve by taking time to miss him and cry
I cry with you on this day for I know what it is to have lost someone you love and I remember that what is getting me through this is sisterhood You are my sister and I am here for you I love you and I share with you my biggest lesson Love those that are hear hard until they cant breathebe in their face, take time, dance, argue, call be in sisterhood
That's all we got.............

Monday, December 14, 2009

Letters of Forgiveness, Completion and Love...

A Letter From My Daughter-----
Mom from the time that I was 14 yrs old till about landmark and this moment I always believed that u were holding mi back from exploring the world. But now that I am grown I see that u were just trying to protect me. I have witnessed the last 18 years of your life and though I did not experience it like you did I experienced them through your eyes. You countlessly told me your story but I never understood it till now. As I sit and read this dedication from your book for the 100 time with pride I can honestly say at the end of it us u saved us both. With everything u have experienced in your life u saved me from the worst.. But no matter what no even I or god could save me from the bad. Mother though u didn't make promises or broke some the ones u kept were the worth a life time. And though you were absent, that made me cherish you more than life its self. Mother I look at my accomplishments and life and thank you for them because it is because of u and andrea that I had the perseveriance to never want to give up. Your fight and struggle to keep me safe have lead to all my great achievements. You are a wonderful mother and though sometimes I may hate you afterwards I love 10 times more. Remember you are my heroe and inspiration n because of u and mom I have made it this far and continue to want to be more than I can be. Just wanted to take the time out to tell you I love you and that u are doing a wonderful job as my mother if I do say so myself :).. You are one of a kind, powerful, beautiful, and talented just like me :)... And don't worry I promise all that u have gone through in life will all be payed off at the end because you deserve it.. I love you mom :)

A Mothers Repsonse......
My beautiful daughter, This message came at a perfect time. I know that it seems like we are worlds apart and so much has changed but it hasnt really. I still think about you everyday and pray that you are okay. I am so proud of you for every unique thing that sets you apart from me. I made this move to leave my own mother and move away to start my own life and it worse than being a teen mom. this has been the biggest step in my life and the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am scared and miss my mom and our family tremendously. But I knew if you can do it so can I. At 18 you have done things I have never done and at 18 I had done things you will never do and that is what makes us mother and daughter. Thankyou for such a beautiful note. I will carry it with me and will look at it whenever I go into my story that Im not good enough, guilt, shame, im not a good mom etc. I couldn't have asked the universe for such a talented and beautiful daughter. You are a ray of sunshine and you are taking the world by surprise. But remember you dont need to live up to anything or anyone. You are you and you have your own destiny that has nothing to do with me but a destiny you will share with your own kids. I will love you no matter hwo you show up or where you end up, I will love you whether you get good grades or not, loose wight or not, In my eyes you already made it. I love youyour momDEE P.S Even though we are miles apart I am here for you. You have a space next to me in my bed. You have a warm house you can come to anytime.In a message dated 11/5/2009 2:22:15 A.M.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Thanksgiving, Thankskilling......

Thanks Giving Thanks Killing Thanks for killing me softly Thanks for killing them softly So soft that no one heard the cries My cries when “he” passed away When I learned about how “they” passed away Taken away so suddenly that is how it happened I remember it like it was yesterday… I woke up to prepare a thanksgiving feast for my family I couldn’t start though, my spirit needed something from me It told me I couldn’t do anything until my home was dressed in white and so in search I went Down broadway to buy white kitchen curtains, bathroom curtains, white table cloths and fabric for the white altar I was going to put up with the abundance of white flowers I had just bought In one hand I had the flowers and the other the aqua Florida What I didn’t know was that I had not walked through Broadway alone, he, they, had walked with me Guided me all the way, they, he, had chosen the flowers and the fabric They, had set the stage and through me he, had prepared his own altar in my house He knew that on this day he would die, they knew that on this day we had to acknowledge their death And so I did it—I built the altar, prepared my home without knowing that I was saying goodbye to my dad That even through his death he was taking care of me and so I cooked and cleaned and cooked and cleaned until I got the phone call He waited , he waited till I had finished , he set up our home to ground me for the news I was about to hear Nov 24th, 2006 my dad passed away On thanksgiving day many years ago someone declared this day a holiday in celebration of a massacre, a genocide of a people Thanks giving Thanks killing, thanks for killing Thanks for killing a human race Breaking the bond of a father and motherless daughter Thanksgiving redefined So for the past 3 years I sit here as if it happening all over again, the call, the news, I prepare to relive it as if it happened today And I wonder on this day of giving thanks will there ever be a time Where the hurt of the people we have lost, whether we knew them or not Doesn’t hurt as bad I wonder on this thanks giving day will there ever be time When I can look up to the sky and give thanks for the death of my dad

Saturday, April 11, 2009

My Her-story-- Child, Teen, I Womyn, Womyn

I womyn Poem

I womyn child
Conceived from a forbidden loveA mistress, concubine, prostituteA womyn bearing another womyn into this world At what costFor money? Or as a gift to another womyn who could not have her own childrenSisters taking care of sisters That’s how I remember my childhood, two womyn sharing a man A love, a family Building community so the other can eat and survive

I womyn child
Found in a room, still in existence todayOn the floor in a corner, bundled and naked Starving and neglected Like when you go to pick a kitten in a litterWho’s , mother was forced to leave because some one else wanted you

I womyn child
Fed with a cutip Because my little body did not know how to take care of itselfI womyn child a survivor
I womyn child with strength bigger than myself No memories or pictures to look back onI womyn child, never bornThat’s what it feels like at least—a life created from nothing
I womyn child loved by many powerful womynIncluding my mother, the goddess blessed you in so many waysYou are a vessel that bares children for other womyn happinessTen, fifteen I stop counting my brothers and sisters That I will never see A story---I too will create from nothing because the truth is unknown To me , How I became, I womyn child

I womyn child in Washington Heights Playing underneath my covers, in the closet With my neighbor’s granddaughter, eating pussy, finger popping, tongue kissingWhile my mother was working, I was at the baby sitter playing with myselfSitting by the window playing with the man across the street, who showed me his big dick, rubbing and twirling, so I can could do the sameI would take off my clothes and show my breast, take my underwear’s off and open my legs
How did I know how to do this? Why was it okay?

I womyn girl
Was I raped? Sexually abused?That’s what I thought at least because my pussy itchedEvery time I got the opportunity to be around a man A human
I womyn girl in New Rochelle White dick in my face, pretending I was sleeping but enjoying it as my heart cried fear
I womyn girl on Dykman 190th st on the roof top Sucking dick I think, &/or kissing and rubbing, maybe jerking off too
I womyn girl in DRNeighbors, sucking my pussy, showing me how to eat ripe fruit Sitting on men’s lap, so they can feel and play between my legsTears streaming down my eyes because I knew betterWhat was happening was wrong Tongue kissing my uncle, if only for a minute and on breast I cried for my mother, my protector I knew I would be saved

I womyn girl
Blamed for my mothers choicesYou will be just like her----a prostituteAmount to nothing and have twenty kidsYou are a waste of time Because your destiny has already been chosen, by me your father

I womyn teen
Another womyn child giving birth to another womyn child Daughter and son A balance to a crazy lifeI womyn teenLiving in her shoesBut instead of giving birth to so many I vowed to never do the same & killed them instead

I womyn teen
Already judged without having an identityI womyn teen Trying to be free, form this crazy destiny Something deep inside of me is telling meThat this story doesn’t belong to meI womyn teen Who am I?I don’t know who I am Am I mother, my grandmother perhaps?I don’t belong here
I womyn teen Pregnant @ fifteen
I womyn teen Where do broken hearts go

I womyn womyn
Look just like her More and more everyday The freckles on my face that connect the dots to a story deep inside of me

I womyn womyn
Look just like her But I have to keep it to myself Because I am afraid that I will devastate my mom If I speak her name That if I resemble or remember her, I will be forced To find out the truth

I womyn womyn
Look just like her And I have so many questions to ask What drove you to use your body to survive Why didn’t you keep meWhere are my sisters and brothers What did you need?I have tried so hard to not be like youAnd I don’t even know youI have paid the price for your decision I have lived a story that does not belong to me

I womyn womyn Have two beautiful childrenA son and a daughter My children asks where my freckles come from and I say the sunButs that’s not trueThey come from my motherI look just like you

I womyn womyn Letting go of the super womyn syndrome passed down by osmosis
I womyn womyn Letting go of violence & unhealthy relationships passed down by bloodI womyn womyn Reclaiming my birth and rebirthing myself A painful process on its own But harder with half a story
I womyn womyn Coming full circle in my daughters eyesThe legacy of strong womyn I cannot continue to pass downBreaking the cycle of loosing our soulsBreaking the cycle of being concubines, prostitutes, or mistressesNot only for others but of myself
I womyn womyn Battling her inner child every time it comes out Trying to find the answers in all the wrong placesI womyn womynRe-creating my mothers stories, both of themToday, I have created the same community of sisters supporting sisters \That they created for eachotherNo judgment but just because I am a womyn tooI love you
I womyn womyn Reflecting the stories of all the womyn in my lifeSupporting other womyn in their process of rebirthingSupporting other womyn in giving birth to other womyn, daughters, nieces, granddaughters, aunts I womyn womyn
I womyn womyn Watching the powerful womyn in my life dieSay goodbye—ceasing to exist as they areDying of Aids, tumors, cancers, & domestic violenceDis-eases, traits of unhappiness, suffering, violence running through my veinsI womn womynHealing, Healing, Healing

I womyn womyn Watching the womyn in me die Say good by –ceasing to exist as I was

A Little Girl In the Land of Make Believe....

Protect me, protect me she screams
They are back
Haunting my dreams,
Armor, shields, they are creeping up my legs
They hurt
I want to take them off
They don’t fit anymore
The are hurting me
And yet they feel so good
I cry at the un comfortableness of it all
And my little girl laughs at the familiar
But we hold hands in fear because we know
One of us needs to let go and say goodbye
Hurry, Hurry I tell her, mom is waiting for you…
There is candy and a birthday cake waiting for you..
Its your birthday and you get to grow up today
But I don’t want to let her go
What am I suppose to do without her?
She doesn’t want to let me go
I have protected her for so long…
I can’t take someone else leaving us
There’s no time I have to decide
The armor is weighing me down, I’m suffocating behind the past
Old wounds that don’t let me breathe,
I cannot see clearly anymore
Or decipher between what is now and what was then
The imaginary and the real have become one in my head
And I want to run, run away before anyone can leave me again
How dare you, just walk out of my life
My childrens life, no responsibility, just fucking pictures on your myspace page
Fuck you , Fuck you for me , Fuck you for my
My daughter , she graduates and I will be her dad and mom
Fuck you for my ,
My son, he graduates and I will be his mom and dad
Fucking assholes, alive and dead all at the same time
My dad was not at my graduations either
Fuck you mom for leaving me over and over again
Even when I found you, you where gone
So where did it all go wrong
How did I get here?
I feel so alone and I realize that all my life I have worked so hard
to never be alone
Created worlds and worlds of fantasy friendships, and fantasy family
So that I would never be alone
I have busted my ass to create the perfect family, the one I think I deserve
The perfect partner, the perfect father, mother
The Perfect family
That shit doesn’t exsist
Its all in my head, what a waste of time and energy
Who can live up to that , no one not even me
I am my biggest disappointment
Every time I fail at reaching perfection
And I here am none the less
Waking up this Spring Season,
A little girl playing make believe all by herself