My Her-story-- Child, Teen, I Womyn, Womyn

I womyn Poem

I womyn child
Conceived from a forbidden loveA mistress, concubine, prostituteA womyn bearing another womyn into this world At what costFor money? Or as a gift to another womyn who could not have her own childrenSisters taking care of sisters That’s how I remember my childhood, two womyn sharing a man A love, a family Building community so the other can eat and survive

I womyn child
Found in a room, still in existence todayOn the floor in a corner, bundled and naked Starving and neglected Like when you go to pick a kitten in a litterWho’s , mother was forced to leave because some one else wanted you

I womyn child
Fed with a cutip Because my little body did not know how to take care of itselfI womyn child a survivor
I womyn child with strength bigger than myself No memories or pictures to look back onI womyn child, never bornThat’s what it feels like at least—a life created from nothing
I womyn child loved by many powerful womynIncluding my mother, the goddess blessed you in so many waysYou are a vessel that bares children for other womyn happinessTen, fifteen I stop counting my brothers and sisters That I will never see A story---I too will create from nothing because the truth is unknown To me , How I became, I womyn child

I womyn child in Washington Heights Playing underneath my covers, in the closet With my neighbor’s granddaughter, eating pussy, finger popping, tongue kissingWhile my mother was working, I was at the baby sitter playing with myselfSitting by the window playing with the man across the street, who showed me his big dick, rubbing and twirling, so I can could do the sameI would take off my clothes and show my breast, take my underwear’s off and open my legs
How did I know how to do this? Why was it okay?

I womyn girl
Was I raped? Sexually abused?That’s what I thought at least because my pussy itchedEvery time I got the opportunity to be around a man A human
I womyn girl in New Rochelle White dick in my face, pretending I was sleeping but enjoying it as my heart cried fear
I womyn girl on Dykman 190th st on the roof top Sucking dick I think, &/or kissing and rubbing, maybe jerking off too
I womyn girl in DRNeighbors, sucking my pussy, showing me how to eat ripe fruit Sitting on men’s lap, so they can feel and play between my legsTears streaming down my eyes because I knew betterWhat was happening was wrong Tongue kissing my uncle, if only for a minute and on breast I cried for my mother, my protector I knew I would be saved

I womyn girl
Blamed for my mothers choicesYou will be just like her----a prostituteAmount to nothing and have twenty kidsYou are a waste of time Because your destiny has already been chosen, by me your father

I womyn teen
Another womyn child giving birth to another womyn child Daughter and son A balance to a crazy lifeI womyn teenLiving in her shoesBut instead of giving birth to so many I vowed to never do the same & killed them instead

I womyn teen
Already judged without having an identityI womyn teen Trying to be free, form this crazy destiny Something deep inside of me is telling meThat this story doesn’t belong to meI womyn teen Who am I?I don’t know who I am Am I mother, my grandmother perhaps?I don’t belong here
I womyn teen Pregnant @ fifteen
I womyn teen Where do broken hearts go

I womyn womyn
Look just like her More and more everyday The freckles on my face that connect the dots to a story deep inside of me

I womyn womyn
Look just like her But I have to keep it to myself Because I am afraid that I will devastate my mom If I speak her name That if I resemble or remember her, I will be forced To find out the truth

I womyn womyn
Look just like her And I have so many questions to ask What drove you to use your body to survive Why didn’t you keep meWhere are my sisters and brothers What did you need?I have tried so hard to not be like youAnd I don’t even know youI have paid the price for your decision I have lived a story that does not belong to me

I womyn womyn Have two beautiful childrenA son and a daughter My children asks where my freckles come from and I say the sunButs that’s not trueThey come from my motherI look just like you

I womyn womyn Letting go of the super womyn syndrome passed down by osmosis
I womyn womyn Letting go of violence & unhealthy relationships passed down by bloodI womyn womyn Reclaiming my birth and rebirthing myself A painful process on its own But harder with half a story
I womyn womyn Coming full circle in my daughters eyesThe legacy of strong womyn I cannot continue to pass downBreaking the cycle of loosing our soulsBreaking the cycle of being concubines, prostitutes, or mistressesNot only for others but of myself
I womyn womyn Battling her inner child every time it comes out Trying to find the answers in all the wrong placesI womyn womynRe-creating my mothers stories, both of themToday, I have created the same community of sisters supporting sisters \That they created for eachotherNo judgment but just because I am a womyn tooI love you
I womyn womyn Reflecting the stories of all the womyn in my lifeSupporting other womyn in their process of rebirthingSupporting other womyn in giving birth to other womyn, daughters, nieces, granddaughters, aunts I womyn womyn
I womyn womyn Watching the powerful womyn in my life dieSay goodbye—ceasing to exist as they areDying of Aids, tumors, cancers, & domestic violenceDis-eases, traits of unhappiness, suffering, violence running through my veinsI womn womynHealing, Healing, Healing

I womyn womyn Watching the womyn in me die Say good by –ceasing to exist as I was

A Little Girl In the Land of Make Believe....

Protect me, protect me she screams
They are back
Haunting my dreams,
Armor, shields, they are creeping up my legs
They hurt
I want to take them off
They don’t fit anymore
The are hurting me
And yet they feel so good
I cry at the un comfortableness of it all
And my little girl laughs at the familiar
But we hold hands in fear because we know
One of us needs to let go and say goodbye
Hurry, Hurry I tell her, mom is waiting for you…
There is candy and a birthday cake waiting for you..
Its your birthday and you get to grow up today
But I don’t want to let her go
What am I suppose to do without her?
She doesn’t want to let me go
I have protected her for so long…
I can’t take someone else leaving us
There’s no time I have to decide
The armor is weighing me down, I’m suffocating behind the past
Old wounds that don’t let me breathe,
I cannot see clearly anymore
Or decipher between what is now and what was then
The imaginary and the real have become one in my head
And I want to run, run away before anyone can leave me again
How dare you, just walk out of my life
My childrens life, no responsibility, just fucking pictures on your myspace page
Fuck you , Fuck you for me , Fuck you for my
My daughter , she graduates and I will be her dad and mom
Fuck you for my ,
My son, he graduates and I will be his mom and dad
Fucking assholes, alive and dead all at the same time
My dad was not at my graduations either
Fuck you mom for leaving me over and over again
Even when I found you, you where gone
So where did it all go wrong
How did I get here?
I feel so alone and I realize that all my life I have worked so hard
to never be alone
Created worlds and worlds of fantasy friendships, and fantasy family
So that I would never be alone
I have busted my ass to create the perfect family, the one I think I deserve
The perfect partner, the perfect father, mother
The Perfect family
That shit doesn’t exsist
Its all in my head, what a waste of time and energy
Who can live up to that , no one not even me
I am my biggest disappointment
Every time I fail at reaching perfection
And I here am none the less
Waking up this Spring Season,
A little girl playing make believe all by herself