This Book is Dedicated to My Daughter....

Title: The Battle to Save My Daughters SOUL

This book is dedicated to my beautiful daughter Andreayna Marte & To all the young womyn in the Fuerza/Power program who taught me how not to loose hope and reflected back to me an inner strength and power that you can not learn or read about anywhere!

Dear Eayna,

You are 14 yrs old now and no matter how much I prepared myself, no matter how ready I thought I was, there was never a chance on this earth that I would have been prepared for this year or the years that lay ahead for me and you.

I have dedicated my life’s work to creating a space for young womyn to create possibilities for them selves, to heal, to empower and transform the way they think, the critically think about the information they learn and create choices and alternatives to the world they live in.

Its been seven years since I made that agreement with myself and no body more than you and your brother have felt the affects of my lifes work. For the past seven years, I have broken down, broken through, broken down, broken through again and again and again…I have been the best mom and the worst mom, I have been here and there and no where, I have been happy and depressed, angry and in rage. I have broken promises and or never made any because I couldn’t keep them. I have taken days off to see your Christmas shows and take care of you after school and then
there where times you didn’t see me at all. (written 4 years ago)

Now you are 17, and I thought the worst was behind us but at 14 it had just begun. Espe told me one day by the river that this journey of motherhood with you was not about you at all, but about me. As I cried with her on Riverside for the millionth time about wanting to protect you from the world, she told me I had just started a long battle to save your soul. Hence, the name of the book.

Well she was right, for the past 4 years I have battled you, the world & the contradictions I live of having you at such a young age of 15 and raising myself and you, two young women in such a violent world . However, at the end of the journey it was not you that was saved it was me!

That battle I was waging was not about you at all, as i fought with you I fought myself , it was like looking in the mirror at myself, my mistakes, my pain, my regrets, my past. In raising you I got the opporuntity to raise myself again.

Thankyou for this opporunity to be your mom, for trusting me as your mother, for your unconditional love, for not judging me and for standing with me through this journey of self love. We both have transformed into beautiful women!

In bold Rebirth

Your Mom, DEE

Me and My Daughter

Me and My Daughter

A Battle to Save My Daughter Soul...& Find My Spirit in the Process!

Its a story about me, motherhood, the women in my life, child sexual abuse, adoption, bieng a lesbian, domestic violence and prostitution. Its about how I learned to be mother, how our moms choices shape who we are as lovers, in relationships and as parents. Its a Latinas story of two cultures as she raises her daughter and finds herself. Its a story of healing, freedom , self love and sisterhood.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Dedicated to my dad on Fathers Day! Loosing my DAD!

So many people of color dont know who their dad is? There are so many things we want to say, so many questions we want to ask. So many of us are single mothers, so many of us are fatherless children, becuase we never knew them, becuase we lost them to death or just becuase. What is your story?

Here is a poem to my dad on Fathers Day!

Loosing my dad
The night I lost my dad I cried
I cried for him, for me, for me mom, my children
I cried for what he represented
I cried out of guilt , shame evenI cried out of anger
I even cried out of happiness

Losing my dad meant so many things for me
It meant a new life, transformation
I had to grow up, step uptake his place in my family
It meant that I had failed to be a daughter , the best I could be , the one he wanted me to be
It meant that I had failed to love myself, him, my family
It meant
I was selfish never had quite enough time to say the things I wanted to sayto spend enough time with him
It meant a part of me had died with him
It meant I had to make decisions
It meant , it meant, it meant ..........

I was so busy giving his death meaning that I forgot
I forgot to remember
To remember all the wonderful things we did together
Everything I had learned from him
I forgot what he looked like How he loved me very much
I forgot all he stood for
I forgot how I was his little girl
I forgot how much I loved him and how much I was going to miss him
I forgot , I forgot , I forgot.......

SO I continued life just the way it was as if nothing had happened
as if he was on a long vacation and one day would come home
I got married
celebrated Christmas, New Years
celebrated birthdays I continued to raise my children , support my mother
I continued to live as if .....

Until one day......I remembered he was never coming back
and I cried , I cried for forgetting,
I cried for continuing SO I gave reverence, and lit a candle, took out his pictures and created an altar
I honored him and all the years on this earth
I remembered
I remembered my dad who had passed away from one day to the next
Without a warning
Just like thatI remembered I had so much to tell him, I was still growing up and he was going to miss it
I had so many plans , i wanted to take him so many places ,
I remembered how much my children and mom would miss him ,
how he would miss them growing up too.
I remembered and I missed him
For the first time I missed him and I cried
I cried for the emptiness in my heart for the void for the could've, would've, should've
I cried for his departure ,
I cried for my loss
I cried with my children,
I cried with my mom, we cried as a family six months later
and I cry we cry and we remember and we forget and we continue and everyday is a new day to do it all over again and it is okay for I am grieving the loss of my dad
and I grieve in celebration of my life
I grieve by being in action and remembering
I grieve by continuing to live my life
and I grieve by taking time to miss him and cry
I cry with you on this day for I know what it is to have lost someone you love and I remember that what is getting me through this is sisterhood You are my sister and I am here for you I love you and I share with you my biggest lesson Love those that are hear hard until they cant breathebe in their face, take time, dance, argue, call be in sisterhood
That's all we got.............

1 comment:

  1. This is wonderful! And I LOVE the earlier piece "The Battle to save my daughters soul." Keep writing and sharing please. You are sunshine and light!