This Book is Dedicated to My Daughter....

Title: The Battle to Save My Daughters SOUL

This book is dedicated to my beautiful daughter Andreayna Marte & To all the young womyn in the Fuerza/Power program who taught me how not to loose hope and reflected back to me an inner strength and power that you can not learn or read about anywhere!

Dear Eayna,

You are 14 yrs old now and no matter how much I prepared myself, no matter how ready I thought I was, there was never a chance on this earth that I would have been prepared for this year or the years that lay ahead for me and you.

I have dedicated my life’s work to creating a space for young womyn to create possibilities for them selves, to heal, to empower and transform the way they think, the critically think about the information they learn and create choices and alternatives to the world they live in.

Its been seven years since I made that agreement with myself and no body more than you and your brother have felt the affects of my lifes work. For the past seven years, I have broken down, broken through, broken down, broken through again and again and again…I have been the best mom and the worst mom, I have been here and there and no where, I have been happy and depressed, angry and in rage. I have broken promises and or never made any because I couldn’t keep them. I have taken days off to see your Christmas shows and take care of you after school and then
there where times you didn’t see me at all. (written 4 years ago)

Now you are 17, and I thought the worst was behind us but at 14 it had just begun. Espe told me one day by the river that this journey of motherhood with you was not about you at all, but about me. As I cried with her on Riverside for the millionth time about wanting to protect you from the world, she told me I had just started a long battle to save your soul. Hence, the name of the book.

Well she was right, for the past 4 years I have battled you, the world & the contradictions I live of having you at such a young age of 15 and raising myself and you, two young women in such a violent world . However, at the end of the journey it was not you that was saved it was me!

That battle I was waging was not about you at all, as i fought with you I fought myself , it was like looking in the mirror at myself, my mistakes, my pain, my regrets, my past. In raising you I got the opporuntity to raise myself again.

Thankyou for this opporunity to be your mom, for trusting me as your mother, for your unconditional love, for not judging me and for standing with me through this journey of self love. We both have transformed into beautiful women!

In bold Rebirth

Your Mom, DEE

Me and My Daughter

Me and My Daughter

A Battle to Save My Daughter Soul...& Find My Spirit in the Process!

Its a story about me, motherhood, the women in my life, child sexual abuse, adoption, bieng a lesbian, domestic violence and prostitution. Its about how I learned to be mother, how our moms choices shape who we are as lovers, in relationships and as parents. Its a Latinas story of two cultures as she raises her daughter and finds herself. Its a story of healing, freedom , self love and sisterhood.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

A Little Girl In the Land of Make Believe....

Protect me, protect me she screams
They are back
Haunting my dreams,
Armor, shields, they are creeping up my legs
They hurt
I want to take them off
They don’t fit anymore
The are hurting me
And yet they feel so good
I cry at the un comfortableness of it all
And my little girl laughs at the familiar
But we hold hands in fear because we know
One of us needs to let go and say goodbye
Hurry, Hurry I tell her, mom is waiting for you…
There is candy and a birthday cake waiting for you..
Its your birthday and you get to grow up today
But I don’t want to let her go
What am I suppose to do without her?
She doesn’t want to let me go
I have protected her for so long…
I can’t take someone else leaving us
There’s no time I have to decide
The armor is weighing me down, I’m suffocating behind the past
Old wounds that don’t let me breathe,
I cannot see clearly anymore
Or decipher between what is now and what was then
The imaginary and the real have become one in my head
And I want to run, run away before anyone can leave me again
How dare you, just walk out of my life
My childrens life, no responsibility, just fucking pictures on your myspace page
Fuck you , Fuck you for me , Fuck you for my
My daughter , she graduates and I will be her dad and mom
Fuck you for my ,
My son, he graduates and I will be his mom and dad
Fucking assholes, alive and dead all at the same time
My dad was not at my graduations either
Fuck you mom for leaving me over and over again
Even when I found you, you where gone
So where did it all go wrong
How did I get here?
I feel so alone and I realize that all my life I have worked so hard
to never be alone
Created worlds and worlds of fantasy friendships, and fantasy family
So that I would never be alone
I have busted my ass to create the perfect family, the one I think I deserve
The perfect partner, the perfect father, mother
The Perfect family
That shit doesn’t exsist
Its all in my head, what a waste of time and energy
Who can live up to that , no one not even me
I am my biggest disappointment
Every time I fail at reaching perfection
And I here am none the less
Waking up this Spring Season,
A little girl playing make believe all by herself

No comments:

Post a Comment