This Book is Dedicated to My Daughter....

Title: The Battle to Save My Daughters SOUL

This book is dedicated to my beautiful daughter Andreayna Marte & To all the young womyn in the Fuerza/Power program who taught me how not to loose hope and reflected back to me an inner strength and power that you can not learn or read about anywhere!

Dear Eayna,

You are 14 yrs old now and no matter how much I prepared myself, no matter how ready I thought I was, there was never a chance on this earth that I would have been prepared for this year or the years that lay ahead for me and you.

I have dedicated my life’s work to creating a space for young womyn to create possibilities for them selves, to heal, to empower and transform the way they think, the critically think about the information they learn and create choices and alternatives to the world they live in.

Its been seven years since I made that agreement with myself and no body more than you and your brother have felt the affects of my lifes work. For the past seven years, I have broken down, broken through, broken down, broken through again and again and again…I have been the best mom and the worst mom, I have been here and there and no where, I have been happy and depressed, angry and in rage. I have broken promises and or never made any because I couldn’t keep them. I have taken days off to see your Christmas shows and take care of you after school and then
there where times you didn’t see me at all. (written 4 years ago)

Now you are 17, and I thought the worst was behind us but at 14 it had just begun. Espe told me one day by the river that this journey of motherhood with you was not about you at all, but about me. As I cried with her on Riverside for the millionth time about wanting to protect you from the world, she told me I had just started a long battle to save your soul. Hence, the name of the book.

Well she was right, for the past 4 years I have battled you, the world & the contradictions I live of having you at such a young age of 15 and raising myself and you, two young women in such a violent world . However, at the end of the journey it was not you that was saved it was me!

That battle I was waging was not about you at all, as i fought with you I fought myself , it was like looking in the mirror at myself, my mistakes, my pain, my regrets, my past. In raising you I got the opporuntity to raise myself again.

Thankyou for this opporunity to be your mom, for trusting me as your mother, for your unconditional love, for not judging me and for standing with me through this journey of self love. We both have transformed into beautiful women!

In bold Rebirth

Your Mom, DEE

Me and My Daughter

Me and My Daughter

A Battle to Save My Daughter Soul...& Find My Spirit in the Process!

Its a story about me, motherhood, the women in my life, child sexual abuse, adoption, bieng a lesbian, domestic violence and prostitution. Its about how I learned to be mother, how our moms choices shape who we are as lovers, in relationships and as parents. Its a Latinas story of two cultures as she raises her daughter and finds herself. Its a story of healing, freedom , self love and sisterhood.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

My Her-story-- Child, Teen, I Womyn, Womyn

I womyn Poem

I womyn child
Conceived from a forbidden loveA mistress, concubine, prostituteA womyn bearing another womyn into this world At what costFor money? Or as a gift to another womyn who could not have her own childrenSisters taking care of sisters That’s how I remember my childhood, two womyn sharing a man A love, a family Building community so the other can eat and survive

I womyn child
Found in a room, still in existence todayOn the floor in a corner, bundled and naked Starving and neglected Like when you go to pick a kitten in a litterWho’s , mother was forced to leave because some one else wanted you

I womyn child
Fed with a cutip Because my little body did not know how to take care of itselfI womyn child a survivor
I womyn child with strength bigger than myself No memories or pictures to look back onI womyn child, never bornThat’s what it feels like at least—a life created from nothing
I womyn child loved by many powerful womynIncluding my mother, the goddess blessed you in so many waysYou are a vessel that bares children for other womyn happinessTen, fifteen I stop counting my brothers and sisters That I will never see A story---I too will create from nothing because the truth is unknown To me , How I became, I womyn child

I womyn child in Washington Heights Playing underneath my covers, in the closet With my neighbor’s granddaughter, eating pussy, finger popping, tongue kissingWhile my mother was working, I was at the baby sitter playing with myselfSitting by the window playing with the man across the street, who showed me his big dick, rubbing and twirling, so I can could do the sameI would take off my clothes and show my breast, take my underwear’s off and open my legs
How did I know how to do this? Why was it okay?

I womyn girl
Was I raped? Sexually abused?That’s what I thought at least because my pussy itchedEvery time I got the opportunity to be around a man A human
I womyn girl in New Rochelle White dick in my face, pretending I was sleeping but enjoying it as my heart cried fear
I womyn girl on Dykman 190th st on the roof top Sucking dick I think, &/or kissing and rubbing, maybe jerking off too
I womyn girl in DRNeighbors, sucking my pussy, showing me how to eat ripe fruit Sitting on men’s lap, so they can feel and play between my legsTears streaming down my eyes because I knew betterWhat was happening was wrong Tongue kissing my uncle, if only for a minute and on breast I cried for my mother, my protector I knew I would be saved

I womyn girl
Blamed for my mothers choicesYou will be just like her----a prostituteAmount to nothing and have twenty kidsYou are a waste of time Because your destiny has already been chosen, by me your father

I womyn teen
Another womyn child giving birth to another womyn child Daughter and son A balance to a crazy lifeI womyn teenLiving in her shoesBut instead of giving birth to so many I vowed to never do the same & killed them instead

I womyn teen
Already judged without having an identityI womyn teen Trying to be free, form this crazy destiny Something deep inside of me is telling meThat this story doesn’t belong to meI womyn teen Who am I?I don’t know who I am Am I mother, my grandmother perhaps?I don’t belong here
I womyn teen Pregnant @ fifteen
I womyn teen Where do broken hearts go

I womyn womyn
Look just like her More and more everyday The freckles on my face that connect the dots to a story deep inside of me

I womyn womyn
Look just like her But I have to keep it to myself Because I am afraid that I will devastate my mom If I speak her name That if I resemble or remember her, I will be forced To find out the truth

I womyn womyn
Look just like her And I have so many questions to ask What drove you to use your body to survive Why didn’t you keep meWhere are my sisters and brothers What did you need?I have tried so hard to not be like youAnd I don’t even know youI have paid the price for your decision I have lived a story that does not belong to me

I womyn womyn Have two beautiful childrenA son and a daughter My children asks where my freckles come from and I say the sunButs that’s not trueThey come from my motherI look just like you

I womyn womyn Letting go of the super womyn syndrome passed down by osmosis
I womyn womyn Letting go of violence & unhealthy relationships passed down by bloodI womyn womyn Reclaiming my birth and rebirthing myself A painful process on its own But harder with half a story
I womyn womyn Coming full circle in my daughters eyesThe legacy of strong womyn I cannot continue to pass downBreaking the cycle of loosing our soulsBreaking the cycle of being concubines, prostitutes, or mistressesNot only for others but of myself
I womyn womyn Battling her inner child every time it comes out Trying to find the answers in all the wrong placesI womyn womynRe-creating my mothers stories, both of themToday, I have created the same community of sisters supporting sisters \That they created for eachotherNo judgment but just because I am a womyn tooI love you
I womyn womyn Reflecting the stories of all the womyn in my lifeSupporting other womyn in their process of rebirthingSupporting other womyn in giving birth to other womyn, daughters, nieces, granddaughters, aunts I womyn womyn
I womyn womyn Watching the powerful womyn in my life dieSay goodbye—ceasing to exist as they areDying of Aids, tumors, cancers, & domestic violenceDis-eases, traits of unhappiness, suffering, violence running through my veinsI womn womynHealing, Healing, Healing

I womyn womyn Watching the womyn in me die Say good by –ceasing to exist as I was

1 comment:

  1. Wow! Sending you light on your journey of healing sis.